From Mongoose: When Asked What I Wanted to be When Grown Up, I Should Have Said "A Phone"

Greetings, everyone. I guess you all thought I'd moved away. Nope. I just took a break from the ridiculousness that the world had gotten itself into, for a little while, at least. 

Just before drifting off to sleep last night, I noticed the soft blue glow of my wife's phone as she perused through Facebook one last time before calling it a day. I thought to myself, "man, if I could just be a phone."

Immediately, I began writing this poem in my mind.

When I was young and growing up, back in 1993
People would ask, "when you grow up, what do you wanna be?"

Would I be a doctor? A lawyer? No, that's too much school,
A fireman, or policeman? Maybe...those sound sorta cool
I could have saved myself some time, from the books and student loan,
If I knew then what I know now, I'd say, “I want to be a phone."

To some, that is silly but let me tell you why,
No one on Earth would ever want me to die
They’d take me with them everywhere, I’d never be alone,
A pilot? No--a teacher--ha! It's got to be a phone.  

My wife would always look at me and hold me in her hands,
She'd touch me with her fingertips, surely, you understand
We’d have perfect communication, she’d never fuss about my tone,
A true lifelong companion I’d be, If only I was a phone.  

My kids, when they'd have questions, lots and lots of times,
I’d give them all the answers with music and with chimes.
I’d know their likes and dislikes, narrowed down to a tiny zone,
It’s hard to be a father, but not if I’m a phone.  

So many years have passed since mom first gave birth,
And I’ve made millions of mistakes since I’ve been upon this Earth. 
Regrets? Yes, I have many, and most of them I’ll own
But the greatest mistake man ever made is this stupid, bleeping phone.  

We'll see ya,
Mongoose.