Stop Kidding Us About Not Having Kids

Dear Mongoose,
My wife and I have been married for 7 years and are in our late 20s....yes, we got married early, but we're very happy. We have no children (yet) and reserve the right to keep the reason for that to ourselves. But, people all the time ask us "when are you guys going to have a baby?" or "what are you waiting for?" At first it didn't bother us but now it's just rude and annoying. How do we tell people to knock it off without knocking off their heads?

Dear Married Without Children,
Seven years of marriage, that’s like 30 years in today’s time compared to 50 years ago, congratulations!  

I don’t know if you’ve noticed but I recommend dealing with certain situations with a little humor.  I have a few comebacks you might try: The first one would be "That's not of your stinkin' business, you rude, nosey, piece of..." or, you could go the lighter side:

“We are waiting to have children till we get enough Kroger Plus points to pay for diapers, we only need about 1,370,000 more”

“We had a couple kids a few years ago but they kept crying, I think they were defective so we sent them back”

“My wife/husband has very strong genes, have you seen him/her?  I don’t want a kid that looks like that!”

“We were going to have kids until we saw how yours turned out, scared us to death”

You get the idea. 
​-MG