Opinion: Until I Took A Carnival Cruise

by Darren Doyle, Editor
It had been seven years since my family had taken a week-long vacation and we were due. My wife and I have always been beach folks and would've been perfectly happy returning to a gulf beach in Florida, but several friends and family members talked us into taking a cruise to the Bahamas. 

Being a former touring musician, I'd had the opportunity to see most all the U.S.A. as well as Canada, and felt like I'd seen about every landscape that I'd want, along with every single shape, color, size, and type of human being there is...until I took a Carnival cruise.

Now before I begin, there are several cruise lines out there. They all offer the same basic set up (an all inclusive package vacation for one price) but it depends on what you really want to focus on as for which one is best for you. We chose Carnival because it seemed to offer the lowest price for what we'd get in return. It wasn't perfect, but we enjoyed our trip. I thought I'd seen about all there is to see, especially when it comes to Americans...until I took a Carnival cruise.

I knew most Americans loved their tattoos...I just didn't really know how much, nor did I realize how many strange ones you could get. Such as: tribal tattoos covering the complete arm of mostly camo-wearing folks,  (why? what does that even mean? What tribe do they have in your small Arkansas town?) college mascots of all sorts, cheesy sayings/inspiring messages, ("Only God Can Judge Me," "No Regrets,"  and random Chinese letters that no one has a clue as to their meaning). I'm sure that when the current 20 yr old girls with the tribal tattoos on the small of their back reach the age of 88, it will be fun trying to find them on their sagging butts and stretching out their skin to explain to their nursing home roommate why it looks like Chester A. Arthur's mustache. I even saw a family of four: Dad and Mom in the mid-forties, boy around 20 and teenage girl-- all had their family name "ROGERS" tattoo'd in Old English-style letters across their backs. I didn't realize all that was cool...until I took a Carnival cruise.

I thought "Under Armor" compression clothing was meant for athletes and physically fit people. It really makes muscular people look even better, and that's why I don't wear it...Apparently, I was wrong. It seems to be the uniform of fat people everywhere, which is very weird to me because it doesn't make fat people look slimmer, it highlights all of their fat. I didn't know this was a desirable look...until I took a Carnival cruise.

I knew people loved to eat, but OH. MY. GOODNESS. I didn't know how much damage could be done to a buffet in a week's time, day in--day out, breakfast time, lunchtime, suppertime, snack time, hammer time, bedtime, you-name-it-time...until I took a Carnival cruise.

I didn't realize the awfulness of the average person's beach body. Trust me, you don't want to see me without a shirt, but I could be the next Channing Tatum compared to the people on our cruise ship. Did you know that most Dads have breasts that either need to be tucked under their arms or inside their waistbands? Did you know there are women that wear string bikinis, even though the strings are hidden inside fat rolls? I didn't either...until I took a Carnival cruise.

I didn't know it was cool to let your small children run loose anywhere they wanted to go, especially in elegant dining rooms. Did you know a 3 year old throwing veal parmigiana was funny? Did you know 8 year old boys playing field hockey on a miniature golf course was cool? Did you know that 10 year old girls could cuss enough to make a soldier feel uncomfortable? I didn't either...until I took a Carnival cruise.

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Did you know that apparently its really fun to take a relatively small pool and cram 726 drunk 40-50 yr olds inside, all singing "Whoomp There It Is?" I didn't either, until I took a Carnival cruise. (This pic shows the pool on a not-so-busy day.)

I know what you're thinking..."This guy is nothing but a complainer." Obviously, there have been many complaints hidden with mediocre comedy in this post so far, but there were also several awesome discoveries on this trip.

Did you know that service workers on a cruise ship are some of the most dedicated, hard working, selfless people I've ever seen in my life? And that the natives of the Bahamas are some of the most friendly, laid back, genuinely sincere folks I've ever met? I didn't either, until I took a Carnival cruise.

Did you know that the deep blue color of the ocean that far south could hypnotize a person in just a few seconds, and that the ocean floor in the Bahamas is one of the most beautiful sights that a human could ever see? I didn't either, until I took a Carnival cruise.

So even though there were many things on the trip that I didn't care for, it really was a great vacation. My family enjoyed most everything and we created some fantastic memories. As most vacations, it ended quickly and we needed an extra day to recoup, but it sure was nice to be home. Did you know that the big blue Edmonson County Water Tower at the top of the knob hill at the Edmonson/Warren line was so beautiful, warm, and inviting? I didn't either, until I took a Carnival cruise.

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